This has been the year of discovering and living my true energy.
If you're familiar with Carol Tuttle's Dressing Your Truth system, you'll better understand where I'm coming from.
Brief explanation of the four energy types she explains:
Type 1: "Air" (bubbly, light, fun, cute, animated)
Type 2: "Water" (soft, subtle, flowing, fluid, comfortable, downward movement)
Type 3: "Fire" (dynamic, hot, sassy, driven, pushy)
Type 4: "Earth" (still, bold, deep, wise, 'black-and-white' perspective, loyal, own authority)
I was reading in The Book of Mormon this morning and came across this verse:
2 Nephi 13:9 - "The show of their countenance doth witness against them..."
President David O. McKay said, "Every person who lives in this world wields an influence, whether for good or for evil. It is not what he says alone; it is not alone what he does. It is what he is. ... Every person radiates what he or she really is. ... It is what we are and what we radiate that affects the people around us."
I originally thought I was a Type 4: they're generally more serious, still, try to be perfect, get from point A to point B, really like alone time to ponder deeply, bond on a deeper level- preferably one-on-one, appear more grown up, view the world as black and white. I have a lot of those qualities but as I tried to live as a Type 4 I found myself saying, "I am so serious right now!" when I was yelling at my kids. Like, girl, who are you trying to convince? The more I tried to sit still the more antsy I became. The more I tried to ponder the more overwhelmed and distressed I felt about life. The more I tried to be still and not rough house with kids the more irritated I got with them when they'd touch me and I'd freak out. The more serious I tried to be, the angrier I got.
In August I had a breakdown. A quick, somewhat stressful playdate turned into a battle of words and cat fight with Micah and the other kids, James had to come home to cover for me because I had mentally checked out, and then I spontaneously booked a flight to Portland to visit a friend. If I was feeling the need to run away, it was better to do it when the kids were taken care of.
After a few days of clearing my head and making the plan to return home and make life happen instead of letting it happen to me, I had a fresh perspective and a game plan. It wasn't long before I realized there was a reason I wanted to escape the person I was. I had always wanted to be a warm, sassy, driven Type 3 but wouldn't let myself accept it.
The thing about Type 3s-- they can be a bit overbearing. They like to do lots of things all at once, they can be loud, they can be pushy, they can be demanding, AND they can be freaking hilarious ("freaking" is one of my favorite words, BTW), successful, friendly, and all around AWEsome.
But you see, pushy doesn't always settle well with the light-hearted or sensitive folk. I like to get things done while others like to have lots of fun or stay where it's comfortable. Growing up I didn't understand that being BIG and LOUD was ok, there are just appropriate times to tone it down. My parents fit more into the light-hearted/sensitive personalities--with a touch of my pushy drive so we knocked heads occasionally-- so I felt like I couldn't express myself. Instead, I reverted to a still, quiet, introverted, responsible soul that kept it to myself. It was easier to not feel hurt or shut down that way.
I trained myself to be compliant and super polite and only show my witty side that's perhaps a little uncouth to a few trusted people or on the computer where I couldn't see their reactions. I went to gatherings and hung out with people becuase I felt obligated to--because it's the right thing to do if I want to be a nice, likeable person-- even if it made me physically uncomfortable or sick afterward. I stopped sharing my opinions and ideas or sticking up for what I believed in because I thought it was impolite or "stirring things up."
What was I really doing? I was stifling my energy.
The whole time I've been a wife, a mother, a daughter, a human being really, I didn't realize that MY personality and MY perspective are a super power! I am so freaking awesome it's not even funny. (I'm serious, you guys.;) ) I can create boundaries for myself that allow me to be myself while still honoring the energy of others.
Here are some pictures throughout the year, from trying to be a perfect and still 4 to a sassy and crazy 3:
*Notice how I generally can't just smile. My eyebrows, tongue, and nose don't like to be left out.
If you're familiar with Carol Tuttle's Dressing Your Truth system, you'll better understand where I'm coming from.
Brief explanation of the four energy types she explains:
Type 1: "Air" (bubbly, light, fun, cute, animated)
Type 2: "Water" (soft, subtle, flowing, fluid, comfortable, downward movement)
Type 3: "Fire" (dynamic, hot, sassy, driven, pushy)
Type 4: "Earth" (still, bold, deep, wise, 'black-and-white' perspective, loyal, own authority)
I was reading in The Book of Mormon this morning and came across this verse:
2 Nephi 13:9 - "The show of their countenance doth witness against them..."
President David O. McKay said, "Every person who lives in this world wields an influence, whether for good or for evil. It is not what he says alone; it is not alone what he does. It is what he is. ... Every person radiates what he or she really is. ... It is what we are and what we radiate that affects the people around us."
I originally thought I was a Type 4: they're generally more serious, still, try to be perfect, get from point A to point B, really like alone time to ponder deeply, bond on a deeper level- preferably one-on-one, appear more grown up, view the world as black and white. I have a lot of those qualities but as I tried to live as a Type 4 I found myself saying, "I am so serious right now!" when I was yelling at my kids. Like, girl, who are you trying to convince? The more I tried to sit still the more antsy I became. The more I tried to ponder the more overwhelmed and distressed I felt about life. The more I tried to be still and not rough house with kids the more irritated I got with them when they'd touch me and I'd freak out. The more serious I tried to be, the angrier I got.
In August I had a breakdown. A quick, somewhat stressful playdate turned into a battle of words and cat fight with Micah and the other kids, James had to come home to cover for me because I had mentally checked out, and then I spontaneously booked a flight to Portland to visit a friend. If I was feeling the need to run away, it was better to do it when the kids were taken care of.
After a few days of clearing my head and making the plan to return home and make life happen instead of letting it happen to me, I had a fresh perspective and a game plan. It wasn't long before I realized there was a reason I wanted to escape the person I was. I had always wanted to be a warm, sassy, driven Type 3 but wouldn't let myself accept it.
The thing about Type 3s-- they can be a bit overbearing. They like to do lots of things all at once, they can be loud, they can be pushy, they can be demanding, AND they can be freaking hilarious ("freaking" is one of my favorite words, BTW), successful, friendly, and all around AWEsome.
But you see, pushy doesn't always settle well with the light-hearted or sensitive folk. I like to get things done while others like to have lots of fun or stay where it's comfortable. Growing up I didn't understand that being BIG and LOUD was ok, there are just appropriate times to tone it down. My parents fit more into the light-hearted/sensitive personalities--with a touch of my pushy drive so we knocked heads occasionally-- so I felt like I couldn't express myself. Instead, I reverted to a still, quiet, introverted, responsible soul that kept it to myself. It was easier to not feel hurt or shut down that way.
I trained myself to be compliant and super polite and only show my witty side that's perhaps a little uncouth to a few trusted people or on the computer where I couldn't see their reactions. I went to gatherings and hung out with people becuase I felt obligated to--because it's the right thing to do if I want to be a nice, likeable person-- even if it made me physically uncomfortable or sick afterward. I stopped sharing my opinions and ideas or sticking up for what I believed in because I thought it was impolite or "stirring things up."
What was I really doing? I was stifling my energy.
The whole time I've been a wife, a mother, a daughter, a human being really, I didn't realize that MY personality and MY perspective are a super power! I am so freaking awesome it's not even funny. (I'm serious, you guys.;) ) I can create boundaries for myself that allow me to be myself while still honoring the energy of others.
Here are some pictures throughout the year, from trying to be a perfect and still 4 to a sassy and crazy 3:
*Notice how I generally can't just smile. My eyebrows, tongue, and nose don't like to be left out.
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| That one time I tried to be a Type 2. Blegh. |
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| CARPE DIEM! My life motto/ |
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| That one time life got too serious and I ran away to Portland. |
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| My friend, Katie, who moved to Portland in May. She rescued me from a terrible-mom groove. |
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| Those bangs really were terrible... |
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| New hair! It was the catalyst of my epiphany. |
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| Tone it down now y'all. |
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| Ahh, some warmer colors. |
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| Toning while going blonde. Looking like my mother didn't last long though. |
The different colors might not mean much to you, but YOU GUYS. I could feel my energy drain whenever I wore black. The solid color shirts made me feel so boring! I was sassy on the inside but I sounded like a jerk when I let it out because I was dressed like a mature adult who always speaks appropriately.
Uh-uh. That's partly me, but not all the way. I need movement. I need verbal sparring of witticisms, I need to feel comfortable with plans to redo my kitchen, AND donate a kidney, AND start homeschooling all at the same time. (More on those last two later.)
I do things big, and that's okay!
Sadie is okay. Sadie is enough. Sadie is great just how she is.
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